the end is nigh

i have no friends i have discovered.

i have driven them all away.

not surprising. i'm not a very nice person.
let me demonstrate.

in a recent event i apparently pissed off someone. instead of pulling me aside and talking to me or anything else, he has decided to end a campaign.

now i can understand wanting to end one. and certainly if you aren't having any fun. but it appears that there may have been something i could have done about it if i had only known.

of course i am too insensitive to have figured it out on my own. which is something i have always said. if you want me to know something, you have to tell me. otherwise i will never guess.

since things have gone down this way, i will probably be shutting down this blog. maybe i will start another. not that it will matter. no one reads it anyway. which is understandable, i am nothing if not inconsistant. but some of my associates know of it. since i am such a horrible person, i need to find myself a new space, where i cannot destroy anyone else's good times. a place where the only person forced to deal with me is me.

i have been accused of being a poor sport, of not being willing to sacrifice once in awhile.
to some extent i suppose that i am a poor sport. when i set aside an evening to play a game, i guess i expect to play that game. i like that game. we planned on that game. but i guess i wanted too much.
as for sacrificing, i guess it is best that none of them ever know how much work i turned down for those saturday evenings free to go play. i guess thats why i am such an asshole about wanting to play. as a free lancer, turning down work is the loss of something. but i always felt i was gaining something through those evenings of fun spent with friends.

i guess i was wrong. i was just making everything bad for others. i should have known.

computers and printers and networks oh my

so i bought the new computer for the apprenticeship office. and i have been slowly getting it up and running over the past week. yes, week. some of the software and hardware that told me it was compatible to vista is not. not terribly surprising but still annoying nonetheless.

so i am spending today working on this trauma. getting all of the computers in the office (new vista desktop, old xp desktop, xp laptop) talking to each other as well as moving the printer from one computer to the network and installing all the software on all the machines.

exciting day.

maybe i'll tell you more tomorrow.

strange goings on

it has been an extremely busy few weeks.

first, the dance show i was working on seemed to go very well. i hope all were happy. i hope to be getting some video and still images from the show before too much longer. maybe i will post some for you.

second, we seem to have finally gotten the rest of this semester running for the apprentice program. most of the classes are scheduled and running. and to top it all off, we held the first of our large DACUM meetings. finally. DACUM is the acronym the college uses for designing a curriculum. we got some of our employers together along with several of our very experienced stage hands and built the skill sets a journeyman hand should have. next we need to break down skills by level (ie 1st, 2nd or 3rd year), then create the final class list. finally we will create syllabi for those classes. this way, in the future any instructor can teach the class and will have the basic skill sets we need them to teach.

its going to be a long couple months. we'll see what happens.

i got so busy and wiped out, i have not spoken to anyone other than work related for over two weeks. i haven't answered the phone or called any one of my friends or family. i am sure my mother is unhappy. oh well.

speaking of my parents, they leave the country next week to go to the phillipines for their second mission for the lds church. that is the only reason my mother wants to talk to me. she only calls when she wants something. other than that, they have no interest in my life at all. i am still debating whether or not i go out to their farewell tomorrow. or later today i guess, now that i look at the time.

i will have to let you know what i do.

other news from people who are trying to piss me off...

a couple years ago, i spent a great deal of time and effort working up all the paperwork to incorporate a little dance company as a non-profit. i had all the articles and bylaws done and had begun setting up appointments to start getting money. i also had a complete plan in place about brochures, websites, pay scales, etc etc etc, when the other folks i was working with decided to get cold feet. however they failed to mention this to me until too late. in the end, it cost me all the time and effort as well as some professional contacts. i was i think understandably bitter about this.

i have since then still done shows with this group but have been very careful to stay clear of anything that is bigger than just the show.

apparently they have started putting all the parts of the plan into operation. they have brochures. they have a demo dvd. they are supposedly working on a website. they are doing everything except the actual incorporation. which is the part that would actually help them get money. but i cannot argue with them about it. especially since they have done everything in their power to keep me separate from the whole process. until now.
i am undecided how i feel about all of this. i think i need to sit down with a couple people and lay down some ground rules. and get some of the bitterness worked out. unfortunately it will require getting a man who is almost paranoid about avoiding confrontation, especially about things he doesn't understand and concerns working with equals. but i think i need to force the issue. or i will not be able to work with them much longer.

much to ponder and decide.

dancing bounds

i have been working on a new dance show this week.
breaking bounds.
i'm not sure what bounds we are breaking (it pretty much looks like modern dance) but apparently there are some. although at a small college in the heart of happy valley utah (not exactly a bastion of forward, progressive attitudes), i doubt we will be hurting anyone's sensibilities.

i have some ideas i want to talk about concerning professionalism and desire. unfortunately that is all the time i have today. maybe i can update or supplement later today. if not, maybe tomorrow.

i'll tell you more about the show then as well.


tonight is opening and my brain hurts.

what if...

so i have been thinking a lot about dating lately. a friend of mine who hasn't dated in years just started again. and a co-worker of mine gave me a long lecture on how it wasn't fair to the women out there that a "nice, smart, funny guy like you is single and not out there. there are too few for you to be staying at home." now before we get into disputing the nice, or smart, or funny aspects of this statement, we will take a moment for the hysterical laughter and snorts of derision to abate.

...

...

...

no really. enough is enough.

stop already.

well, i will continue on at this point anyway. please ignore the sniggers and chuckles from behind the hands in the audience.

the interesting thing about this is that recently i have been around two women i think are available, both are smart, have great senses of humor, awesome people (from what i can tell so far; i should tell you this isn't my best skill when i am emotionally involved), and both are above average on the aesthetically pleasing scale. one i have known for a few months but haven't seen for 2-3; the other i just met.

so now the question becomes why not ask.

because i am a coward.
thats right. i said it.
i'm a 'fraidy-cat.
women scare the hell out of me.
sometimes though, i wonder, am i more afraid they will say no, or they will say yes.

Lost

i have been lost in my own reality for a while. i haven't decided what to do with this thing just yet. maybe i will restart posting here. maybe i will start a new thing. but hopefully within the next few days, i will be posting something somewhere.

maybe i will see you then.

ouch.

I know I haven’t posted for a while, but it has once again been a busy week. Freelance work for the opera as well as for a couple other companies over the last week and a half has made it very difficult to keep up with everything, especially trying to get everything done for my big apprentice meeting.

Oh yeah. I had a big apprentice meeting.

All apprentices were required to attend. It was the opening orientation for the new school year. Introducing the students to me as well as to the changes the committee has implemented for the program. Most of them made it, but a few managed to avoid it. Only one had an excuse. The rest, I guess, are not too terribly interested in their educational, and therefore their occupational, future.

Of course, the meeting didn’t quite go off without a hitch. I finished all of the paperwork for the packet around mid afternoon. When I tried to use the union copy machine to copy the packets, I discovered my copy skills have degraded over the years. Also, the damn machine wouldn’t do what I told it to, and managed to screw up my packets. So I was not able to complete packets for all of the students. However, we covered all of the material and I will be mailing each of them a complete packet first part of next week.

Not exactly the best start, but it’s a start. We carry on from here.

Ultimately, I will be learning some new skills. I will be learning to prioritize from an office setting. I know and practice prioritization on shows and projects, but there is a different approach while sitting in an office. It is kind of weird.

I am not an office creature. I have always loved my work but a big part of that has been the freedom of movement. Even when I worked at companies, I was always going to job sites all over the country. Now, I sit in the same “viewless” (not windowless) position day after day.

I believe very strongly in the program and its intended result. Obviously I believe I have something to offer to achieve this goal. But this whole office thing is killing me. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make the situation more tolerable, please let me know.

On that subject, I was approached today by one of the employer representatives, who made very strong and positive statements about their commitment to assisting the program and being available for training facilities and gear whenever possible.
Pretty good news. Although somewhat depressing that no one either knew of their interest or took advantage of this opportunity. Oh well.

My turn.